Melanie’s Path: Healing and Rediscovering Identity After Her Dad’s Death, Part 1 | The Day After Ep. 20

In this deeply emotive episode of The Day After, hosts CJ and Ashley engage in a heartfelt conversation with their guest, Melanie, about navigating the complexities of grief and spirituality following the loss of a loved one. 

CJ opens up about embracing personal spirituality and finding persistent connections with those who have passed away through memories and love, which aids in moving forward. The discussion delves into the profound changes in identity and family dynamics that accompany loss, emphasizing the integration of grief into life's journey.

Melanie shares her poignant story of losing her father to Alzheimer's at a young age, detailing how the illness and his eventual passing in 2019 reshaped her family's structure and her own identity. She uses the metaphor of an ever-filling room to describe the evolving presence of her father's memory in her life. The episode explores the tension between traditional beliefs and personal spirituality, with CJ and Melanie recounting their experiences with mediums and spiritual advisors, offering insights into how they maintain connections with their deceased loved ones.

The hosts also reflect on societal expectations surrounding emotions and the often-inadequate support systems for those grieving. They discuss the timing of grief, debunking the misconception that it conforms to designated mourning periods. Melanie candidly recounts the emotional turmoil and internal struggles she faced, compounded by her divorce shortly after her father's death.

Listeners will find resonance in the discussions of grief's impact on relationships and the importance of seeking support while acknowledging the difficulty of asking for help. The episode wraps up with a critique of bereavement leave policies in workplaces, advocating for more compassionate and flexible approaches to support grieving employees.

Join CJ, Ashley, and Melanie for this touching and insightful exploration of love, loss, and the enduring thread of connections that outlast physical presence. This is Part 1 – stay tuned for Part 2, coming in 2 weeks!

Transcript

Melaine: 0:12

Yeah, so, my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2016. I was 19 years old in my sophomore year of college. What's kind of hard to say is when it really kind of started for him because it's one of those things that kind of creeps up and you don't always really know what symptoms are until they increase in frequency and things like that. So we had had some suspicions or rather my mom had for several years, but that's when they took him to get tested and it was confirmed that he had Alzheimer's. And all throughout that time leading up to and during he had had difficulty holding jobs and had a lot of kind of emotional outbursts and was forgetting things and stuff like that. So when he got diagnosed, it was in some ways like a really good confirmation for some of the stuff that we had been experiencing. But then also it's kind of hits you with the inevitability of This is an incurable disease. So being only 19 was. hard for me to process what was going on and really just the magnitude of it. So my dad was able to stay home with our care and supervision until 2018. And during that time, you know, he, he struggled getting around a little bit, would get a little confused and turn around. But with that disease, there's a lot of plateauing and doing well and then dipping down and then plateauing there. And so it kind of goes in these steps. So it was around that time that he, we realized he needed more professional help and he needed to be in a home. So that year we put him into an assisted care living facility. And he stayed there for about a year. He did pretty well there for the most part. That was a whole adjustment for my family because, you know, now we're going to visit my dad. Yeah. Somewhere that's not home.

CJ: 2:20

Mm-Hmm.

Melaine: 2:21

He knows that he's not home. He knows he can't go home, but he would still ask us like, can I go home with you guys today? And we would. have to say no. And honestly, at certain points, it started to feel better the more he forgot and wasn't aware of where he was because we could kind of, like trick him. Which is not a really natural or good feeling, especially with your, your father or just any family member. So I remember we would have to say, Oh, let's go check out this. And this community area and then be like, Oh, this is, you remember this aid? Why don't we go talk to them? And then while they're, while he was talking to them, we would have to like, kind of skirt out quietly in the manner.

CJ: 3:10

Yeah.

Melaine: 3:11

Just so that there wouldn't be a lot of commotion every time. So he was there for about a year before he had another dip and he started to display some more aggressive symptoms, which is really common due to like confusion and just agitation. So he had to get put into a skilled nursing facility the following year. And I remember that day being a really difficult day because first of all, it was like right around Thanksgiving and they told us that he couldn't stay there anymore because of his aggressive behavior. So we needed to move him out. Like that week, week ahead, like no time. It was very quick. And I remember we found the facility. It was like 30 minutes away from where he was originally. So we drove him there and I remember it being the last time that he was ever, that we were ever with him outside.

CJ: 4:17

This was 2019 at this point?

Melaine: 4:20

Yeah, 2019. 2019. And it was winter time. I remember we went to this park nearby that we used to go to growing up. And it was snowing and we had a snowball fight and it was this really beautiful memory that I had thinking back always makes me very emotional and very sad because that was really the last time that He got to be outside, and that we got to be with him, not in a nursing home type setting. How old was he? When he passed, he was 63, I believe.

CJ: 4:56

So he got up really young.

Melaine: 4:59

Mm hmm. We believe his dad also had Alzheimer's, but at that time, diagnosing things like that was a little bit harder. So, yeah, we think it's genetic.

CJ: 5:12

Okay, so it was 2016 he was first diagnosed. Then he was in the home for a year after a couple of years of being at home with you guys. Yeah. And then you had to move him to this more restricted facility or more care?

Melaine: 5:27

Uh, like a skilled nursing facility. And this place was much more like that standard type of hospital setting. And honestly, it was, it was a really depressing place to put him. I

Ashley: 5:39

can imagine.

Melaine: 5:40

A lot of pain. people much older than him. A few people his age, but it was more rare that people his age got it. So a lot of people much older than him kind of just sitting around and staring into space, like all day long. And he was there for about a year before, almost a year to the date. Before we got a call, I was at Thanksgiving with my with my in laws at the time. And, uh, we got the news that he only had potentially a few hours left.

CJ: 6:16

Oh my gosh.

Melaine: 6:17

So it escalated very quickly from 2016 to, it was 20, like, fall, winter of 2019.

CJ: 6:26

Holy shit. So you were, you said 19 when he first got diagnosed? Yeah. 2016. So you were at like this stage in life when you're supposed to be leaving the home and kind of figuring out your next step in your path and to becoming an adult. How was that in contrast to now having this like really heavy thing happening within your home?

Melaine: 6:53

It definitely is something that I, there are limited people that I come in contact with who have experienced. that in, in that order of, of their life. And so, yeah, I spent a good portion. I have spent a good portion of my late teens, early twenties. I'm 27 now. Just learning how to navigate the grief and that loss and Also, it rocks and affects the whole family and that itself like our family unit Went through a lot where we've had a lot of closeness while he was sick, but then when he passes away It's, it's interesting how one person can really bring the family together. And then afterwards you kind of like have this lost identity as a family unit for a while.

CJ: 7:50

Yeah.

Ashley: 7:51

CJ, you felt that a

CJ: 7:52

lot, right? I did. Yeah. I was going to say that that happened. So my wife passed in 2020 and I have my three kids and it was like we were such a tight unit and then yeah, it was the same thing and the kids kind of went off and each grieved in their own way or experienced their grief in their own way and then obviously I was like consumed with it and trying to deal with it and it took a good while to where I felt like we were finally like coming back together. Yeah. As a unit again. How many brothers and sisters do you have?

Melaine: 8:24

I have one brother. So it's just my, my mom and dad, my brother and I, and my, my parents hadn't had the, the greatest relationship. It was very strained. But I commend my mom and give her so much credit for the ways that she stuck through so much for my dad. And I also acknowledge that, like, with that internal, like every family has their issues. So all those issues that like you already deal with is like put on hold and like, that's just like not the focus. And, uh, come, you got to come back to that at some point. And that's something that I have also like, kind of been picking up and, and trying to work through. Afterwards, because it is a big distraction away from everything else that's happening in the family.

CJ: 9:18

What did it look like for you guys, the Splinter, for that family unit to lose its identity in the beginning? And what was its impact on you?

Melaine: 9:27

It was, it was really hard because it, it felt like there were only so many people who knew exactly what I was going through and it was the people who knew my dad and who knew me really well. And that's mainly my mom and my brother and so it, it felt really, it was really difficult because there were times where I felt like I was grieving alone and I knew that I could talk to them if I was like, Hey, I'm like having a hard time,

CJ: 10:02

you

Melaine: 10:02

know, grieving dad. But. We're all, we're all figuring it out. And so there's only so much that we can help each other. Cause we're all kind of treading water and trying to navigate it. No one has a life raft in that instance, you know?

CJ: 10:20

Yeah, I know. It's like, you're trying to, you're drowning while trying to build the raft.

Melaine: 10:25

Yeah. Yeah.

CJ: 10:26

Were you living at home?

Melaine: 10:28

So, no, I was living with my husband at the time and my brother is married and living with his wife. Uh, and. My mom is actually still in the, in the house that we grew up in and she's held onto it. And but she lives alone.

CJ: 10:43

So in the early stages of that grief, then when you were, you were trying to reconcile everything that had happened, especially at that time in your life, what did your early grief look like? What was the impact of it on your life? So you got married, so you got married young, right?

Melaine: 10:58

Yes. Yeah, I got married at 20 and I say then husband at the time because I'm now divorced and I actually went through the divorce only four or five months maybe after my dad had passed. So I was going through

CJ: 11:18

multiple,

Melaine: 11:18

multiple types of loss. But what's, what's so funny looking back is when my dad was going through his different stages of. Being in homes and being treated and going to appointments and just that sick stage. I was so mentally prepared and thought that, or I thought I was so mentally prepared and believed that I had time to really grasp how it would feel when it happened. Because I had heard people talk about grief as being like, well, if someone's sick for a long time when they go you feel like, relief or you feel like this kind of like, ah, like it's finally been put to rest and you have this peace or something. And when I think back, the people that have said that about that experience are people that actually aren't going through it. It's from the outside. It makes sense in their brains that it would be like that. So I kind of rationalized it as being, you know, when my dad passes away, I can just kind of like lay him to rest and I'll be able to handle it. But I was not prepared at all for real feeling of loss.

Ashley: 12:39

Yeah, I think it's also like, you might have a little bit of relief that he's no longer he they like whoever the individual is like is no longer in pain, but then at the same time, like that relief comes with like guilt for like, Oh my God, fuck, like, I don't, I'm like, I'd rather than be here, like, they'd probably rather be in pain and be here just to like be here with us. Yeah. So and then I like, you know, then it's like compounded by, you know, a million other different feelings that you know, going through a divorce at the same time or having children that are going through it and watching them experience it. Uh, so it's like, I feel like sometimes it's, we always talk about what not to say. It's like, I know, I know that it's so well invented. Well, there's so much good coming from that. But at the same time, you're like, no, like, no, it's not like, yes, I'm happy that they're no longer in pain, but like, Now I'm here and I'm in pain and I have to like figure out life without them.

Melaine: 13:39

I found that the biggest thing I was craving in those early stages of grief was just space to grieve in and work only gives you so many bereavement days and you only have so much PTO and it's just people get a lot sooner than you do and it's just how it works and yeah the difficulty is everything moving along

Ashley: 14:07

and also it's not i feel like there's there's been um Uh, there's been two companies, I'm sure there's others, but two that have been on my radar that have like launched, uh, tech solutions around bereavement and loss and like handling loss. I think there's two different angles. One is like really a tool to give employees resources to grieve

CJ: 14:30

and

Ashley: 14:30

the other is more of like a handling, like a state and handling. All the things that come with when someone dies. We just released an episode with Kennedy and we kind of jokingly said like, It's actually not easy to die in America. Like, there's so much shit that comes with it. For everyone that is left behind. And So you're not only like dealing with like, you know, like being obviously like grieving the loss of someone, but you're trying to like deal with remembering their fucking password to like turn off their Verizon service or whatever. Yeah. Or T Mobile, no hate on Verizon. They all follow the same process. But yeah, there's like two companies, I digress, but two companies have really been like shouting in a good way, a lot about like bereavement leave in like five days is like not a fucking enough. How could five days be enough? In fact, like literally you need five days in order to like, can't like be there for the loss. Yeah. Let alone five days to them, like plan a funeral and have a funeral and like, yeah, or, you know, do whatever, like different religions obviously have different, different ways in which they celebrate or rituals. Yeah. I didn't know if rituals was the right word, but so it's kind of, and I will say like some companies are like terrible at it and some companies are. not so terrible at it. You know, like, and I think it's probably like the bigger companies are just shit at it because they can't give any sort of like, they can't give, they can't like, let like Susie do one thing and Melanie do another. So it's like, it's five days and that's it.

CJ: 16:02

Yeah.

Ashley: 16:02

Whereas smaller companies have a little bit more like, You know, like circumstance or like maybe you work remote and I mean, you shouldn't have to like work remote some days, but like at my company, we say that it starts at five days and, and goes from there, like, I forget the exact wording but cause when we started this, I asked our benefits person. And she's like, the policy says that like at least five days, but like, if you come to us, we are never going to not give you more time.

CJ: 16:28

Yeah.

Ashley: 16:29

So it's, it's interesting how it can vary from company to company.

Melaine: 16:33

Yeah. And I'm glad that there are some companies that are kind of setting that standard because it, like you said, the five days goes into making arrangements

CJ: 16:46

and

Melaine: 16:47

then, you know, in circumstances where you don't have more, you've used up all your days and you're sitting at your desk or you're going into the phone booth and you're having a breakdown. Yeah. Basically every day.

Ashley: 16:58

That's like, you're not fully present at work. So actually who's, who's like, no one's benefiting from that. You'd rather like you, you should just be at home. But like you said, where it moves forward, it's like everyone's like, okay, you had your five grievement days. You're done, right? You're, you're good. Everyone. Yeah. I'm, I'm grieved. I'm done. It's like, no, actually it's, it's just setting in. Like, this is when it just sets in after the funeral, like that, you like almost just force yourself to make it through. Oh, and then. Then it really sets in. I think.

Melaine: 17:29

It hits at such weird times. And I know every person I've talked to who has experienced grief is like, it always hits you when. You don't expect it when it's not the designated time. And I, I don't think I really cried that much from the day that like he passed till like maybe a week or two after the funeral. Cause I was very like in game game on mode. Yeah. And you know, at the wake and then the memorial service, you're kind of like social, it's like a social event. So you're talking to people and you know, you're trying to honor that person who's passed away as well and present in kind of a little bit more on top of things.

CJ: 18:13

It's super hard. I mean, I would be, I'd have to like mute my camera in meetings cause I'm just like breakdown. Yeah. And you're just like trying so hard to, to hold it together and you just, you just can't. But work expects you to continue on. So you're, you're kind of going through this. You had your lackluster ability to grieve because of work. What was the early stages of you confronting your grief? Or did you not confront it?

Melaine: 18:43

So I remember that the, the first few times where I. would just find myself uncontrollably like sobbing and like calling out and like talking to my dad who's not there anymore was probably like those first kind of waves of grief where I couldn't have, I, there was no managing it anymore and I remember just feeling so incredibly confused as to where a person can go. And I excuse me, I'm getting emotional. I grew up Christian. And so I always believed in an afterlife. And my dad was Christian. So he believed that he was going somewhere. But there's like this very real feeling that I had, where I'm like, that might not be what happens. And if so, where does All that, all that spirit, all that personality, all the memories, all the love, where does it go?

CJ: 20:04

Yeah.

Melaine: 20:05

And the shared things that he and I had are now just mine. And how do I find a place for that? When it was something that we carried together. Uh. It's okay. Yeah,

CJ: 20:28

it's hard. It's hard to, to have a physical relationship and then have it severed and not know, you know. What is this new relationship? Because it feels so one sided.

Melaine: 20:41

Yes. And I think, for me personally I, I don't know if it's because I'm, I was adopted. I have had, like, an abandonment type thing in my past before. And so it did trigger that. To lose him because even though it's not like by his doing yeah, but it feels like You're an orphan again and yeah, it was uh, it was it was really hard on my relationship in my marriage because I it was still together with my ex husband in that time. And, and he didn't know, he didn't know how to handle and manage like someone who is dealing with so much distress. And I also, something that I regret is that in the week that in between when he passed and getting ready for the funeral, it was his birthday, my ex husband's birthday coming up and I prioritized his birthday. during that funeral weekend and I kind of made everything not about how I was feeling.

CJ: 22:06

I

Melaine: 22:08

was like, go like do your stuff with your friends, like go have fun. I don't want my grief and my family stuff to keep you from being happy this week or whatever. And I really regret that because I, I owed it to myself to, to expect that from him. So he ended up not really being there for me for the, the wake and the funeral. And it was something that he apologized for, uh, after the fact. But that definitely made it a lot harder because I felt even more alone.

CJ: 22:42

That's like a double abandonment. Yeah, I bet

Melaine: 22:44

that, yeah.

Ashley: 22:46

I will reserve any judgment on that situation. Because you deserve, you deserve so much better than that. I was just going to put that out there. But, uh, that's yeah, that must have been incredibly difficult, especially when that person is really supposed to be there for you in those difficult times.

CJ: 23:08

Yeah. You

Ashley: 23:09

know, no matter what, like, I know that like, tomorrow's never promised and, you know, we might not see a next birthday, but, you know, birthdays can be celebrated a different day.

Melaine: 23:19

Yeah. Yeah. Things that we learn in hindsight.

Ashley: 23:23

Yeah,

Melaine: 23:24

exactly.

Ashley: 23:25

But you won't do it again. You won't remember that in the future. But I, I would have, I feel like in some ways, in many ways I would have done the same thing to be like, I'm fine. I can do this by myself. It's okay. Like go have fun when like, actually that's like really

Melaine: 23:39

what I need. Yeah. The older I get, the more I realized just cause you can, doesn't mean that you should.

CJ: 23:46

Right. Yeah. Something very hard in life is to. Ask for help.

Ashley: 23:51

Yeah,

CJ: 23:53

it is. It's really hard. I think,

Ashley: 23:54

I think I, I don't, I don't I obviously was not adopted, but I feel like part of something that I learned, like most probably like later in my life and, and really in term, in, in getting into a very close relationship and I'm now engaged and owning my dogs is that I did actually have like a little bit of a fear of abandonment. Not because I feel like. My mom abandoned me although like as in it wasn't her choice. She did not like, you know, choose to die, obviously. But I definitely have like a well, like the people closest to me die, like the person closest to me like died. So like if I get close to people like they're going to die. And so it was a very like I mean, I still definitely have like moments as it's not like really like resolved by any stretch of the imagination. But. Like it, that like really, really like freaks me out sometimes. losing people that I love. I mean, like, I literally will like be driving and think about my dog getting older and die and cry all the time. Like, it's almost embarrassing how many times this is. I'm like, she's fucking eight years old and she's healthy as can be. Like, just relax. Oh, I

Melaine: 25:09

do the same thing with my, with my cat. I'll take a video of her basically every day. I'm like, I'm going to be glad when she's dead that I have this. Should I stop her when

Ashley: 25:19

she's gone? and like, I really, this is so, it's, I want to say that in a way it's like beautiful because I literally savor every moment and like Saturday nights hanging out with my dogs are like my favorite fucking Saturday nights ever. But it was really like when I started, um, dating Nate and like it got, I mean, it was kind of from the beginning. It was just like we we knew we both kind of knew. And I was like, oh, fuck. Like now this is like someone I could, you know, I could lose. And when in previous like dating situations or really anything in my life, I'd be like, well, I already lost my mom. So like nothing fucking hurts like more than that. And would kind of like brush it off. So when I was like very worried about losing this, it was like. I just was like, I would almost like spin and do things that I'm like, I don't like, that is not who I am. Like, what am I doing? Yeah. So I feel like in those moments, it's like, it's asking for help and just saying like, Okay, this is, I'm feeling like this because this has happened and so I'm not intending to do this or I need you to understand that when I do this, it's because of that.

CJ: 26:23

Yeah. Yeah. Help or support is really what we're asking for.

Ashley: 26:27

Yeah. Or just awareness, you know, like, cause it's, there's maybe not something for them to do. Like especially, you know, we talk all the time, like something, sometimes there's like literally nothing you can say. But that is doing

CJ: 26:39

something. But yeah. Yeah. I'm willing to just sit. And hold it with them and just say it's okay to feel your feelings because like, we're just like conditioned. And I think each gender is conditioned in different ways, but we're conditioned to not have emotion. Yeah, exactly. And in, which is why it's so much easier to be like, no, you do your thing. I'm good. Yeah. And then secretly, we're like, no, I'm fucking spiraling and falling apart right now. And all I want is somebody to hold me. Or it's that you do show

Melaine: 27:09

emotions, you justify or can explain and make it make sense to the other people so that somehow it's more valid. And in reality, it's not. You don't even know how you feel for so long. How can you put that into words? Yeah.

Ashley: 27:26

Yeah. It took me, it literally took me like, like honestly, 20, 20 years. Like literally. It took you until we did the podcast. No, like, I mean, some of it, but like, I never had anxiety in my life and it was like, now I have things that I'm so worried. It's not even like, I, so worried about losing is probably like the wrong phrase. Cause like, obviously one day. Like, we're going to die. And like, I know that. But there is like, you know, those freak accidents or those things like that. Like, I just like that is like, I'm like, I am so worried about losing, losing them that I like worry about everything. I'm like, Oh, my God. Like, the nail looks yellow. What? Yeah. Like, and just generalized

Melaine: 28:08

anxiety about everything. I

Ashley: 28:10

mean, it's

Melaine: 28:11

never been the way it really like change. I feel like it changed my life. brain chemistry. It really woke me up to just how real mortality is, and it is we are on this kind of ticking clock.

CJ: 28:26

Yeah.

Ashley: 28:27

Yeah. And I was just going to go back to your point about like where we go. Because I, like when my mom died, like mom went to heaven and, and I'm, we are, I am, I was raised Catholic. I would say I'm spiritual, but I even lately I've had a similar thing. Like, What if they don't? And like where do we just like go in the ground like what I yeah And I almost have to just I i'm almost like not ready to really think more about that and I am just like I think that heaven is something like for me that I, I like want to believe is truly there. Because, because if it's not like, like, there's just like too many, like too many questions that would go unanswered that I know that like I would need an answer to, to form like an opinion.

CJ: 29:23

Yeah. What is your relationship with, with that? Now, Melanie, you were talking about having to now hold the experiences that you've both held at one point. Have you reconciled that? Have you redefined your relationship with your dad and with spirituality.

Melaine: 29:40

Yeah, absolutely. And Like I said, I was, I was raised in the church. And so I was always around these belief structures. And it wasn't until he passed away that I really had to look at what I did believe and why I believe it. And I went through kind of like a, an arc of feeling very just anti religious. And came back, have come back to it a bit more in the more spiritual. way than a structured, like, organized religion way. Because I realized that kind of what you said, Ashley, the benefit of being like, I want to choose this, this way of believing. And I, and I don't think that like, I know, or any of us on earth can know what happens to us after we die. But what we have to hold on to, or what we can choose to hold on to is the belief that it all means something. And that even if it's as simple as, you know, love that someone gave us in our lifetime is now ours to cherish and somehow pass and channel through to other people. If that's all that remains of that person, I think that's, that in and of itself is a really beautiful thing. Couldn't agree more. And I'm okay with not needing answers because it's, it's a lot more about the meaning that we apply to what is happening around us.

CJ: 31:22

Do you have a relationship with your dad now? A new relationship? Yeah.

Melaine: 31:29

Yeah. I was like, wait, did you know that he died?

CJ: 31:32

Like, we've been talking about how he died. Oh, your dad died. Oh, wait, shit, is that what we've been talking about? I know we've been talking about your dog. Yeah. I thought this was one of our pet

Ashley: 31:41

grave series.

CJ: 31:42

Yeah, I know. And post death, have you, have you redefined it? I know who you meant now,

Ashley: 31:45

sorry. I was like, what the fuck,

Melaine: 31:48

dude? Yes, I, I really have. And a year and a half ago, I moved away from my hometown. I moved across country on my own and now live in San Diego, California. I was in New York and in that time I felt like that I kind of developed this like sense of taking him with me

CJ: 32:10

away

Melaine: 32:10

from where we both lived and taking him somewhere new in In my memories, and There will be times where I see something different that I haven't seen before or just something really beautiful that's just a different landscape from what we, what I grew up around, what he grew up around. And I think about how he would love to see it, or I, you know, sometimes I'll even just say like, You see in this, you know, I love that. And things in terms of like nature usually make me feel connected to him. Also seeing I'm seeing dads with their kids always makes me feel that way as well. And my dad was very attentive, loving dad. He was very busy. I feel like he didn't have a lot of time for us, but when he did, he was very hands on and he made my childhood very happy. And so when I see other dads with their, their kids, I'm like, I feel, I don't know, that, that, that. All kind of come back and that's amazing attitude.

CJ: 33:19

That's beautiful. Yeah. I think part of my process of redefining my grief or coming to terms with it was that redefinition of the relationship that I had with Arianna and I mean, it's only been probably this year, the beginning of this year when it started to finally come together where I was like, okay, she's with me. Yeah. In whatever sense that means. Which is like personal to me. So it was like this coming back to some form of spirituality or that energy. It's never destroyed. So there's something that's persistent. And once I was able to. At least in my mind, reconcile and settle into she's still here and maybe that means her memories, her energy, her love, like you mentioned, her lessons, the experiences we've had still exist within me. It really helped me to start to kind of move forward into like, okay, now I can, I can take her into the new life that I'm going to have. Right. Cause it's like you mentioned your family unit lost its identity, but I would venture to guess that you also lost your identity. And had to, like you said, it changed their brain chemistry and you have to re figure out who the fuck are we in this, in this loss. So for me, that's been like a huge, huge cornerstone of, of being able to, to hold my grief and allow it to be something that generates love and attentiveness in my life. Yeah. So it's cool that. That you're able to to do that with your dad as well

Melaine: 35:03

Having a new kind of how we were talked about like where do they go like not only where have they gone? But like where did they go now? It's such like a big question of like what room in the house of my life. Do you now occupy?

CJ: 35:21

I like that

Melaine: 35:22

and You know moving on through life without them is like continually adding Something to that room and I think it starts empty When you first lose them, but through time, you know, you add little things here and there.

CJ: 35:41

I like that analogy. I

Melaine: 35:42

love that.

CJ: 35:43

Have you sought any like, uh, mediums or spiritual advisors or anything like that to kind of tap into that or no? It's something that seems to come up quite a bit.

Melaine: 35:53

So Chanel, who you had on the show, Oh! Oh,

CJ: 35:58

that's right. You're friends with her, right? I'm

Melaine: 36:00

friends with her and I'm friends with Nicole. Oh shit. Yeah.

CJ: 36:03

Okay.

Melaine: 36:03

And I, Chanel has offered it to me and I've, I haven't gotten back to her about it because, uh, my dad was very not about those things. And I feel like there's a part of me that thinks that he would be annoyed or pissed off.

Ashley: 36:21

He started it with like, why are you here, Melanie?

Melaine: 36:27

Also, he's like a big napper. Like he would fall asleep everywhere. And I feel like he just doesn't want to be disturbed.

CJ: 36:33

But

Melaine: 36:36

maybe that's just, I don't know. I just feel like it's not his

CJ: 36:39

answer.

Melaine: 36:40

It's not

CJ: 36:41

on brand for him. Yeah, I love that. That's so funny. I it took me three and a half years of of a few people in my life like telling me all the time to go. To finally, because I was similar. I was just like, I'm not really, I don't really know what I believe in that stuff. But I did. And it was, it was an interesting experience. But it's funny you say that because my dad was, he was an opinionated guy, kind of a gruff kind of guy. And that came through. And it was very much kind of like, uh, what do you want? Is what he like came through. I was like, what? I'm here. What do you want? And I was just like, not even

Melaine: 37:22

happy to hear from you, just like, oh, like

CJ: 37:25

I was sleeping. Yeah. And I was like, oh, okay. That's Moving on. Sorry. Yeah. Sorry I bothered you. Yeah. I didn't

Ashley: 37:37

realize that was the reaction about from from him. The

CJ: 37:41

second person I went to. Yeah.

Ashley: 37:43

Oh, okay. Not the first one. But the first

CJ: 37:45

one it was like, he was like getting emotional or at least the medium was saying and then a couple of minutes later he was like Your dad's not emotional, is he? I was like, no. He's like, yeah, he's saying that this is too much for him. He's done now.

Ashley: 38:02

I can see that, though, from based on like from what I heard like in his final days, you know, I feel like that kind of fits.

CJ: 38:08

Uh huh. It's good to know they don't lose their spice. They don't. Yeah. Apparently they don't. Yeah. They're the same. But see,

Ashley: 38:15

that's, this is what makes me believe more. This is what makes me like more into like, there is like heaven and whatever heaven looks like or whatever you define heaven as, like, it doesn't need to be like, it's with God. I just believe that there's something, like, uh, And like, I mean, I think religion can be a very good thing, and I think it can be like the worst fucking thing in this world. It depends on like how seriously you take it in, you know. But when I hear to discuss that. But I think I think that that is like one of the things. Yeah. That's not our podcast. We'd have a lot of different views on that. But I feel like that is one thing. I, I've never felt the need, the desire, the like, I feel like I've gotten signs over my lifetime that tell me she's here and are, you know, like, I feel like someone would said like angel wings or God wings or I don't know, something like that. Like, I just see, I just like, I've got enough that. It kind of just feels like

CJ: 39:23

Acknowledgements back to you. Yeah, yeah, I

Ashley: 39:24

just don't, I don't, I don't know why. I just have never, I've never And it also could be that I just, like, I only had her in my life for nine years. So, I think that, like, going back to the point about, like, what life looks like without them is, like So much of my life has been without them that I don't, and my, my, my dad, like, I think was very good about always keeping her memory alive and, you know, celebrating birthdays and celebrating angelversaries and you know, like saying like, Oh, your mom would, your mom's here with you right now, or, you know, like, so I think that there was enough of keeping her spirit alive and like, it's. But not, like, overly done where, like, she didn't die. Mm hmm.

CJ: 40:06

Yeah. Right. You know,

Ashley: 40:07

because I think that there's, like, sometimes, actually, I feel like we've only talked to people that, like, dads in particular sometimes is, but moms, I think, too, like, they just, like, don't talk about the person. And it's like, it didn't happen or, or like, you know, they, they, it just, you don't feel like you can talk about it because mom or dad is going to get upset. And I, I didn't feel that way. And like, I just feel like we went to like grief groups and you know, I, I don't think I ever felt that we couldn't talk about it. So I feel like in that way, I, yeah, I feel like in that way, I never really wondered, you know, or I never had, I guess I never had trouble with like the identity piece. Yeah. That's

CJ: 40:50

good. Like my

Ashley: 40:50

whole identity, my whole life is like, yeah, my mom's dead.

CJ: 40:53

Yeah. That's me. This is an origin story. Yeah.

Ashley: 40:57

Yeah. I'm like, she's dead. But I got a new one. At

CJ: 41:03

least we didn't turn out to be a villain. Thank you for listening to this week's episode with Melanie. Stay tuned for part two on our next release. Thank you for listening to this episode of the day after you can find this podcast and more at our website at www. thedayafter. com. If you enjoyed this episode, we'd really appreciate if you could take a moment to leave us a review wherever you listen to your podcasts.