Building a Resilience Muscle: Blair's Story of Family, Forgiveness, and Healing | The Day After Ep. 2

Welcome back to another episode of The Day After. In this heartfelt discussion, hosts CJ Infantino and Ashley Infantino are joined by Blair, a woman who has faced significant loss and emerged as a beacon of resilience and strength.

Blair shares her poignant story, beginning with her turbulent childhood marked by her father's addiction and her parents' divorce. She dives into how these early experiences shaped her mental health struggles and her path to forgiveness and understanding. Blair's narrative takes us through her journey of reconciliation with her father, his battle with terminal illness, and how their shared experiences laid the foundation for the Global Resilience Project, a transformative movement aimed at helping others through storytelling.

As Blair recounts, the past few years brought unprecedented challenges, including the loss of multiple close family members, her miscarriage, and her own grappling with mental health. Despite—or perhaps because of—these hardships, Blair has dedicated herself to becoming a grief and resilience expert. She provides valuable insights into the concept of resilience, not as merely bouncing back, but as bouncing forward, continually striving for growth and healing.

Through candid conversations about the role of mental health, sobriety, and even alternative therapies like plant medicine, Blair opens up about her deepest struggles and the profound moments of clarity she's experienced along the way. Her story is a testament to the power of vulnerability and the impact of sharing, helping listeners understand that while the journey through grief is deeply personal, it is also a universal human experience.

Prepare to be moved and inspired by Blair's story, as we explore the complexities of grief, resilience, and the enduring human spirit. Join us in this episode of The Day After, and let's navigate the path of rebuilding after loss, together.

Transcript

Blair: 0:12

I'm the daughter of a man who lived with a drug addiction and a child of divorce. And uh, I was very close with my dad. And when I was seven, my parents divorced. And my dad stopped coming around or he would tell me he would, you know, pick me up for family time or come to my birthday party, but wouldn't show up. And so no one really sat me down and explained that like, my dad wasn't well. I mean, it was also the early 90s, so what we knew about addiction wasn't, uh, you know, what we know now. But I thought my dad stopped loving me. And, uh, I grew up with a lot of mental health struggles because of it. And I hated him. But, in my 20s, I was given the tools I needed to forgive him and to accept him for who he was. And he and I had a beautiful conversation where we basically, you know, I just told him that, like, I'm sorry for ever hating you and I'm just willing to accept whatever you can give me as a father. And he began his journey towards sobriety. He began being more involved in my life and everyone's life. I got to know him. I live in Canada. He lived in the middle in Winnipeg. I moved out to British Columbia and he started to come visit me. And I got to know my dad. And I learned that he loved me that entire time. Uh, and I just wish little Blair would have known that.

CJ: 1:34

Yeah.

Blair: 1:35

So, yeah, I got a second chance with my dad, walked me down the aisle at my wedding. You know, I got to learn a lot about business and, you know, learned a lot about addiction and mental health through him. And at the end of 2018, we learned he was terminally ill and, you know, first of all, anticipatory grief is terrible. Terrible. I mean, all growth is terrible. But I started processing my feelings by telling my story, our story, actually, of his addiction, my forgiveness, and our resilience. And what was happening was really special. People's lives were starting to change because of our story. People were choosing sobriety, or making decisions to fix relationships, or getting mental health support. And they were then sharing their stories with me and being like, Blair, I've never shared that before. I don't know why I'm sharing it with you. Yeah. And, So I went to my dad and I was like, we got something special. Our story's helping people. What if we write a book? And we gather stories of resilience from around the world and we bookend it with your story at the beginning and mine at the end. And then when you're gone, we can still help people. So, I thought I was just going to be navigating my dad's end of life, but, uh, March 2019 we announced the book project, the Global Resilience Project, and in a few short years I navigated. Many losses. So my grandfather died. He was like a dad to me. And on the way home from the funeral, my husband and I got in a car accident and I got a concussion. And then a few months later, my husband almost died. He had a heart attack and quadruple bypass surgery.

CJ: 3:19

You said a few months.

Blair: 3:20

Yeah. A few months later.

CJ: 3:22

Jeez.

Blair: 3:24

And then the pandemic happened and we were trying to get pregnant and couldn't, and we were told we probably couldn't. So we stopped trying, but we got pregnant. But then we

CJ: 3:37

miscarried.

Blair: 3:38

Three weeks later, my father in law suddenly died after a three week battle with cancer. Three months later, my mother suddenly died after a three week battle with cancer.

Ashley: 3:50

Oh my God, Blair.

Blair: 3:51

Height of the pandemic. And then my dad died the same year as my mom. In the same week, but a year apart, 360 days apart, and I wanted to give up on everything. I wanted to quit the project. I wanted, I mean, like, I wanted to face plant into the earth, like life got really hard and I was running a business. So I'm building, I'm writing a book to honor my dad's legacy while holding space for at the time around 70 people and navigating compound grief. And so by June 2022, the book came out and unfortunately didn't make it into the hands of my dad. But what I realized was over the three years, three ish years, I, I kind of accidentally, but obviously something was guiding me. But I started a social enterprise and a global movement with also a podcast, clothing line, and I became a motivational speaker and a writer and a grief and resilience expert. So. Yeah, I mean, everyone died and I became an expert in grief, yeah, and so, uh, where I'm at today, like, you know, I've gone a couple years without anyone very close to me dying, which was like, I remember getting to that one year mark after, like, my dad died, we got to the year mark to honor my dad's, you know, angelversary. And I was like, Oh my God, Alanna, my sister, we did it. We made it a whole year without someone dying. Like, isn't that a, like, that's just so crazy that that was a milestone. Right. It was. Right. Yeah. And yeah. And since then I've been publishing books and recording podcasts and. Taking the stage around the world and talking to experts in the field of grief like yourselves. And my goal is to help 888 million people to strengthen their resilience muscle by August 2030.

CJ: 5:39

I love that. Why that number?

Blair: 5:41

Well, a good question. My birthday is August 8th, which is the 8th of the 8th. And my first goal I set was like, it was the summer after my mom died and it was my birthday. And that's a big manifesting day for, for those of you who don't know, it's a big manifesting day, the 8th. It's like the Lionsgate portal. And I'm like a woo woo Jew. Like I'm woo ish and Jewish, but like not Jewish. Like I'm fully Jewish, but there's no itch. There's an ish. You know, anyways but anyway, so I was manifesting like, Oh God, what's the purpose of life? Like everyone died. Like I'm not going to be like, as soon as my mom, like we were told she was going to die. I was like, I don't want to be a mom. Like all the big feelings were used up. And so I was like, now what do I do? Like I'm in my, at the time I was in my mid thirties. I'm like, what's my purpose? I'm like, you know, I'll help 8 million people to be resilient. And then I booked a TV spot that week with a 14 million reach and I was like, oh, okay, well, I'll add an eight. I'll empower 88 million people and then I hit it last winter because my story is featured on a show on Prime and Apple TV and Google Play called my story episode three. And then I was like, well, I hit that goal, so maybe I should add another eight, and eight hundred and eighty eight million seems like a big goal. Yeah. I use it as a compass, right? Like, it's not like I'm, you know, checking off one by one, but knowing, oh, okay, I'm on a billboard in Times Square and I was up for an hour or at least an hour. X amount of people saw it. Oh, I'm featured on uh, Apple TV and I know the, the reach is X amount. So it's, it just kind of helps me because if not, I say yes to everything. And also I just want to make the biggest impact during my life because I don't know how long it's going to be. Three parents just died in their sixties and I'm a 39 year old, sober, childless, parentless birdwatcher. Like who knows what's in store for me.

CJ: 7:36

So. Uh, thank you for sharing all of that. You were definitely a grief experience, for sure. Unfortunately I'm curious about this statement, I felt like I wanted to faceplant into the earth, and what those moments leading up to and after it felt like, and how you were able to continue moving forward.

Blair: 7:59

That's a great question. So, I want to clarify, when I say that, it's not suicidal ideation.

CJ: 8:04

No, no, not at all.

Blair: 8:05

Yeah, but, I did, okay, I'm gonna like, a side quest. So, after my book came out, I was actually featured in another book and on a media tour. This is like, June. My dad died in February, so like, still deep in the grief. Yeah. And I was put up on a billboard in Times Square. And I remember standing there, and I just like, couldn't feel happy. And I, I realized, like, I'm not trying to kill myself, and I don't want to die, but, like, I don't care if I do die.

CJ: 8:36

Right.

Blair: 8:37

And that was a very big low. And I went and like changed my meds and like my mental health is a lot better today. That requires, and there's a lot of things I had to do. The faceplant into the earth was like, I wanted to just like give up and I needed a minute to breathe because like, You know, like we lost, like my husband almost died. And then a year later, like, you know, the, the rollercoaster of like, you're not going to have kids. And then, Oh my God, you're pregnant to like babies no longer to like couple weeks later, losing my father in law who was like the dad I never had to losing my mom. So in a matter of three and a half months had such significant loss, I felt like I had a complete like loss of identity, loss of knowing, like knowing and not really knowing the way forward. I'm someone who's an overachiever, and I took a lot on, like, with publishing, publishing a book is hard.

CJ: 9:28

Mm hmm. Yeah.

Blair: 9:29

And anthologies, like, it's like having 50 clients or 70 clients while running a PR company. And I just felt like. I wanted to just lie face down in the dirt, like I just needed a minute and I took a lot of time to like lie face up on the couch, but you know, you know, like, and I, I really support that, like that self care and self compassion. But I guess it's kind of like a weird metaphor, I just wanted to faceplant into the dirt because I also pictured that same time it was like I was a tree blowing around in a storm that got uprooted and I couldn't find somewhere to land.

CJ: 10:06

Yeah.

Blair: 10:08

And I, traditional therapy stopped working for me, like the grief therapist was like, you're doing everything you can. I was like, I just paid you 180 Canadian dollars to do that, to tell me you know what I'm doing. So I started exploring alternative ways to heal, including dabbling in plant medicine. And it wasn't until I had my first experience that I really started making strides in my healing. And I just want to say, like, I'm sober. Like, I January 1st, 2025 will be six years. I'm very intentional about enhancing not escaping or like using medicine to heal. When I learned my dad was going to die, I'm a lot like my father and he lived with addiction and it scared me and I, I had to cut it out. I had to cut out the things that I couldn't control and that didn't make me feel good. And I was hesitant to explore plant medicine, but I heard of various people in my life having such profound experiences and I was willing to try anything.

CJ: 11:10

Mm hmm. Would you be willing to talk a little bit about that experience? Because I think it is something that comes up often. I've definitely had people recommend it to me and I've done as many different alternative therapies as I possibly could. As a matter of fact, if anybody recommends something to me, I'm probably going to look into it. Yeah. Because I think there's a lot out there. So, uh, if you're willing, I'd love to hear maybe a little bit about the experience and you don't have to give too many details.

Blair: 11:37

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I'm just going to say, like, I'm not going to share what the medicines are. Yeah, that's fine. It was not ayahuasca or ayaboga. And I went privately, like, which is like, you can fly commercial or you can fly in a private jet. And I went down the private jet route and I'm still paying off that debt. So, I just knew I didn't want to be in a big group. I was not Okay. Like I, I was not okay. And my experience was me and two guides, and it was three nights, four days. Mm-hmm And it was, it was very beautiful. Like, it was very much, I felt very safe and like they very nourished like my soul, my body. And we talked about kind of. Like where I was at and my intentions. And I just like, it's, I was so lost. Like I just was, I don't even remember, like, I feel like I have amnesia, but I was, I was a mess. And yeah, like every day was different that I was with them. You know, we pulled Oracle cards and they, you know, put on music and I went through a journey and I used different medicines to, uh, you know, help really unlock certain lessons or feelings at one point. Okay. I don't. I don't like barfing. And I knew like medicine, certain medicines make you purge. And I learned a lot about that. So I just like have this one memory. So my dad was an absent father, and my best friend Erin lived a block and a half away. And I spent, like I spent all my time with her. And her dad was a stay at home dad, sometimes, most of the time. And I was really close with him. His name is Hart. And Hart actually passed away. A fair chunk of time before my parents, but like the when it happened, it's like I didn't know what happened till it happened and you know, I live in a different city than my Aaron and they just really don't come in for the funeral and I never really grieved it, but he was a huge part of my upbringing and a big parent. He was a parent to me. And so, what? At one point with one of the medicines, I just felt like I was on this rollercoaster and underwater and a dolphin kept coming up to me and I was like on this rollercoaster and it was like vibrant purple and like, Hart showed up and he was telling me how proud he was of me and Aaron and Sarah and like, it was so strange because like, he just wasn't, He was tucked deep in my mind

CJ: 13:57

and

Blair: 13:58

then I woke up and I had a big purge and like, or not woke up. I was up the whole time, but like I was not okay. Like there was a lot of feelings and emotions and I remember just sitting with the guides and like talking about what, like what is resilience and I realized that resilience is bouncing forward and not bouncing back. You know, you're never going back. You're going forward. I realized that like a lot of. A lot of the feelings I had were like like a reaction in a sense of, like, my mom dying, right? So, like, my mom died, and it's like a chunk of my anxiety died with her. And then I had kind of guilt about that, because I was like, Oh, well, it's nice to not have that feeling of like constant anxiety.

CJ: 14:51

What was that experience?

Blair: 14:53

It's interesting because both my parents caused me a lot of anxiety and stress. And it was relief. It was like, it was like I was carrying around a really heavy backpack and someone took it off.

CJ: 15:04

Wow. And

Blair: 15:05

then I had guilt about feeling like, feeling that. But now I no longer had the responsibility of my mother. And then when my dad died, my dad was very sick for a while and he, he required a lot of support. He, you know, he struggled and, uh, I was his, one of his mean go to people and it was a lot. Like, I never had the parent, the father daughter relationship. Like I, I had our own unique relationship, you know, his struggle was everyone's struggle. So I just like, I, I, it was like I was trying to unweave like a ball of yarn that was knotted because I had so much compound grief plus anticipatory grief because my dad was dying. So I worked through those few days. I started journaling. And it's actually really interesting because I'm, I'm going back and transcribing my journals right now. So it's interesting to step back into that. Uh, I was, and it's, yeah, there's, it's interesting. It takes me to really, like, I'm able to like, know that that was me then. And like, it doesn't take me back to that sad place. Like, I, I could, I can identify, like, I'm a completely different person now. But there was a lot of things that I, I, I changed about my life. And very, and being very intentional and very much prioritizing self care and like, you know, I have a, now I have a three hour morning routine and just like certain things came to me that I just want, like, I'm like, I have tools and I don't want to feel like this anymore. So I need to start implementing these tools because I hit a rock bottom and it's not the only rock bottom I've ever had, but it was a bad one. And so what was really interesting, like, so that experience, like I would say was really messy. Because. I was in such a state of trauma. I then did the work. Because what happens when you do medicine is you, you know, learn, you have some epiphanies, you may have some realizations, but it's all about integration and how you take those lessons and apply them to your life.

CJ: 17:03

Mm hmm.

Blair: 17:04

And so about six months later, I went back to do another four days. And they said I walked in and I was a completely different person. They're like, you are just, everything about you, your energy, like I was lighter. And my intention for those four days was to put the pieces of my heart back together. Like it felt like my heart was like shattered into many pieces. And I pictured that Japanese ritual called, is it called kintsugi, where like they pour liquid gold. Yeah. So I picture, that's what I pictured. And this, my dad's still alive during this. And but he's, like, not doing awesome. And, uh, it was just very beautiful, like, I had a really great experience. Yes, I still had a little purge, but it wasn't, like, as intense as the rollercoaster heart experience. And I tried a medicine, and this medicine, I had the, like, my issue was that I could feel sad and grief and I knew I was grateful and I knew I was happy, but I couldn't feel it. Like there was, there was like a disconnect between my heart and my mind. And this medicine, all of a sudden at the edge of a cliff, having a Care Bear stare of rainbows and butterflies out of my heart, over this lush jungle, and I felt this feeling of happiness that I didn't even know that level was possible. Like, it was like this. Extreme, extreme happiness. Like, and I came out of that and I was like, Oh my God, like I had a care bear stare and I felt a level of happiness. I didn't even know existed. Like I didn't even know that was possible. And they're like, you know, like the medicine shows you what's possible. I'm like, if I can achieve a small fraction of that level of happiness in this lifetime, I've done my work and it was so So profound, because I didn't know what I was looking for, I guess, to be happy.

CJ: 18:46

Yeah.

Blair: 18:47

And so that night I turned my phone on and messaged my sister, I'm sorry, I turned that phone, my phone on and I chatted with my sister and told her about my Care Bear Stare and then she was just like, you know, you gotta come home, dad's about to die. So I didn't really have any time to integrate and my heart was cracked wide open. And so I haven't done any really plant medicine work since then because I, I tried and it was, Yeah, like I wasn't ready.

Ashley: 19:14

What is what is I've never even like really heard of plant medicine

CJ: 19:18

It's different types of hallucinogenics and stuff. Oh, I see. Okay,

Blair: 19:22

I may even call cannabis plant medicine

CJ: 19:24

Yeah, okay anything that's altered state of mind

Blair: 19:27

and we're a lot more liberal up here in Canada But like and oh, I mean, I'm all about it. Yeah, I just

Ashley: 19:34

like wasn't sure what like Yeah. With that included.

Blair: 19:37

But I

Ashley: 19:37

get it. And I mean,

Blair: 19:38

and there's different medicines, do different things, and there's a lot of really great like mental health professionals who do the healing work with you. I don't recommend you doing it on your own, like that would be a bit more. And like there's all sorts of different types of therapies. There's ketamine, there's psilocybin, there's MDMA therapies, there's DMT every state Every, I mean, there's laws. I don't know what's allowed, what's allowed where, but,

Ashley: 20:02

kat, I, I have a friend that does, Kat speaks very highly of Kat. the ketamine medicine that she's experienced. I don't know the exact phrasing.

Blair: 20:11

But what's really like a struggle for me now is because like, you know, back to being the woo and the Jew, I, I believe in the, the metaphysical space, but I also believe in science and I am heavily medicated. Like I just learned it like three weeks ago. I've, I mean, not. Sorry, I've known this for a long time, but I got an official ADHD diagnosis and now I'm on medication and I'm on SSRIs and so certain plant medicine can't be done on those things. Yeah. Or you have to wean off of them and I don't know, like, my headspace is so good that am I willing to not take my SSRIs for free? Three weeks before doing this, I don't know, and I don't, I mean, and if something's not an F, yeah, like a fuck, yeah, it's, it's, it's a no. And so if the medicine, if I learn of a medicine that will allow me to stay on my dose. Without, you know, compromising, compromising my mental health, like obviously it's supposed to help you be better, but.

Ashley: 21:12

Yeah, you're in a good place.

Blair: 21:13

Yeah, so it's, it's really interesting, so like there's a couple different like medicines I'm, I'm, I'm looking at exploring and when the time is right I'll do them because it's not, it's not cheap to go and

CJ: 21:22

do

Blair: 21:23

healing work like that. But, I also, Like, your mental health is health, like, and I, I will, like, I'd rather spend my, my money and my time healing because, like, we only have our vessel, like, we only have our brain and our body for this lifetime, and like, if you don't, if it's not functioning, you're not, you're wasting your life, right? So.

CJ: 21:46

Yeah, one of the best things that I've heard that was, it like, it unlocked me a little bit was when we die, we become the fullest version of ourself. So, for me, I was like, if, if I take that as true, then why not spend as much time as I possibly can here on Earth to get to as close as I can? I know I'll never get exactly there until I die, but If that's the truth, then if we work and spend our resources and time and energy getting there, or trying to, will we not have the least amount of friction in life, right? It's not for an easy life and this is what I want to get into, too, because I think We hear people say, and I say it all the time. I'm like, well, I'm doing the work. What is the work? And I'm, I would love to hear kind of your perspective on what the work was to you. I don't think we define it enough and I don't think people realize enough. When you recognize that somebody is in a better place, like when I've had people recognize like, oh wow, like, I can't believe how far you've come. They never recognize how excruciatingly painful it is to go through that to get to the other side, right? Each time we have this thing that comes up, right? Like, your heart was broken open, or you had this, this, this life changing experience or this grief changing experience that requires a certain initiation. And through initiation, you will go through pain and suffering until you come out the other side. So I would love to hear kind of your experience of what the work is to you.

Blair: 23:32

Yeah, I mean, I think The moment you decide you don't want to stay where you are is when the work begins, and it's going to look different for everyone, but I think it's anything that you're doing with intention to move the needle towards healing, even if it looks like you're going backwards. I mean, my work started when I started doing therapy before all of this, like a year before I met my husband, I fled an abusive relationship and I started therapy. So I started learning about my wounds and my trauma. Forgiving my dad in my early 20s, that was doing the work. I made a decision that I didn't want to be feeling a certain way anymore. But doing the work can also look like Doing nothing. It could be lying on the couch all day face up, or in the dirt face down,

Ashley: 24:24

right?

Blair: 24:25

But I think it's first, I think doing the work is, I don't want to be stuck in this place anymore. And then taking action to move the needle. And everyone's plan of action can look completely different. And I mean, they do, right? Like doing the work for me, what does it look like? Like these days, and it's been like this for a while consistently. So, and I just want to say, like, I don't have kids and I understand that I have the luxury of space and time. But like, I wake up 5. 30, 6 o'clock. I usually have a 3, 2 and a half, 3 hour morning routine. Move my body, ease into my day, have a candlelit bath or a hot tub, like, all before 7. Sometimes I'll work out, you know, I'll journal and then I'll go to the gym at 7 and 8 o'clock I'm having a bath that's candlelit. I pull oracle cards and I journal. I'll drink my coffee in my chair by the window with the fireplace on or outside in my yard or by the river. I ease into my day.

CJ: 25:25

Yeah.

Blair: 25:26

I'm like, what do, what do I need today? I, rushing gives me anxiety. It triggers my, my anxiety. Things that calm me down. Baths, not having to rush. Snuggling my cats in bed. Like, I was supposed to go to the gym this morning. I wasn't feeling awesome. I canceled. And I laid in bed with my cats and my coffee, scrolling TikTok because that's what I felt like I needed. That's part of doing the work. Part of the doing the work is getting help from maybe a mental health professional. Maybe therapy isn't for you, but maybe you need a grief coach. And you're like, Blair, I want to work with you. Maybe it's listening to all the podcasts you can find on Spotify about grief. Reading books. Maybe knowing that, okay, so for the last two years I ate a cookie dough blizzard, extra cookie dough almost every day, I should probably not do that anymore. Not saying I didn't do that. Because I don't drink and I live with addiction. Uh, food, food was my coping. Yeah. But one day I made the decision, okay, that's enough. Okay, I need to now eat more vegetables. I made the, you know, so doing the work. It's, it's making those changes that's going to help you heal. And it could be as big as, okay, I'm getting a personal trainer and a therapist and I'm going to journal every morning to a small as, okay, I'm going to listen to this one 20 minute podcast episode. Okay. You know what? I'm going to set my alarm and get up 10 minutes earlier and just lie in bed and just ease into my day. And I'm not here to tell you what doing the work looks like for anyone. But I think step one is realizing like. There's changes that you can make. To walk towards a healed heart

CJ: 27:14

and permission, right? Permission to give ourselves. That's, that's what I heard from you. Permission to give ourselves that time and space, which can be very, very challenging

Blair: 27:24

and it's self compassion. It's self compassion, like treat yourself as if you would, you know, how you would treat a best friend going through it.

CJ: 27:31

Yeah, it's, it's very hard. It's very hard. It's been very hard for me, especially as a solo parent to three kids, to say, I'm going to say no and that I need to do this thing. Uh, I think that becomes such a challenge of long term, it's the right answer because I'll be more, uh, I'll have more energy, more time, more space. I'll be better mentally to care for my children. But at the same time, life is still going on and, uh, thankfully they've, they are supportive and they're very good about these things. So for me, like I was listening to you discuss this or talk about this plant medicine experience you had the first time and I had something similar, but it was at a weekend retreat. with, uh, a group of men and specifically focused on just getting in and confronting your shadow. And that was a particularly challenging weekend for me. It was, it was at the end of or right at the beginning when like things started to open up. So that was while like 2021, something like that. And I went there knowing that I needed change because I could not handle the grief anymore. You know, you're like you say, it's like you're at the bottom and you're like, if nothing changes, I, I just don't, I don't want to wake up tomorrow. You know, but it's like you said, it's like I didn't want to die. I don't want to kill myself. I just didn't want to wake up. I couldn't wake up to the same thing again.

Ashley: 29:12

Yeah.

CJ: 29:13

So I went there and I was so fucking angry. And the first night, we had to sit around in a circle. And there was two leaders and they were talking. And I just had my head down staring at the carpet for four or five hours, whatever it was that we were doing it. And then as time progressed, the next day, there was this whole experience. And I'm not going to go into it, but I broke down and then I began to break down my body, my mind, everything, just let go. And there was so many visualizations. There was so much body work. It was so fucking intense, but it was the first time, I guess for me, it was my Care Bear stare moment where I was just like, Whoa, I feel connected to another human being again, I feel love and I feel emotion again. And I left that place and it was definitely a turning point and then it became that integration period and pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing. But the interesting thing about all of this was as my wife was dying and I went into this new state of grief after she passed. Looking back now, and I think there was even a part of me that knew I was doing this, I was like, and it's so fucking shameful to say, I literally was like, I will be the best person to ever handle grief that has ever lived and ever will live. And I was like, I'm gonna fucking crush it. And it became an achievement to me and it just, and I pushed and pushed and pushed so fucking hard that it just, it broke me down and now I'm like kind of having to take a step back and deal with that and be like, okay, I need to have patience with myself and with my grief. And I need to move forward at the pace in which the grief needs to present itself.

Blair: 31:16

That's beautiful. And also, just want to let you know that like, I am the gold medal champion of the Grief Olympics. But you can, you can have like a silver if you want. It's all right.

CJ: 31:27

I'm going to push you out of that gold silver or that gold place. So

Blair: 31:31

yeah, you can have it.

CJ: 31:32

Yeah. Yep. Yeah. He doesn't need

Ashley: 31:35

it.

CJ: 31:36

No, no, no way.

Blair: 31:38

Yeah. I mean, healing, right? Like, I mean, if you're listening to this and you're in the throes of it,

CJ: 31:43

mm. Like

Blair: 31:43

are you, are you sitting in your pain and not doing anything about it? And if you are, that's okay, but eventually you're going to have to take action,

CJ: 31:54

right?

Blair: 31:55

One of my biggest is, I mean, like my biggest advice is, and this one's the hardest, is. Try not to escape, like, try not to use substance, like, if you can not drink your way through, like, if you drink, you're not gonna heal because you have to feel to heal, and drinking numbs, and I think one of the biggest gifts my dad's terminal diagnosis gave me was pushing me to sobriety.

CJ: 32:23

Oh, wow.

Blair: 32:25

And I, you know, I did make the decision. Like I decided, okay, well, it's the end of December. I have a New Year's party to go to. January 1 will be my first day. And I, at least until my dad's end of life, I can't drink because drinking was a bridge to bad decisions. But then January 1st, I woke up that January 1st to an apology letter from my dad.

CJ: 32:48

No way.

Blair: 32:49

And I haven't. Yeah, I haven't. And I just was like, I don't think I could ever drink again. Like he, he ruined a lot of lives. And I like to call it wasted potential, literally. And knowing the pain that he caused me and himself and everyone around him and knowing how much I am like him, I made, I made a decision and was able to hold it and I didn't break my sobriety. I almost did a few times. One time I really, you know, I tried, I almost broke it and my friends wouldn't let me. I was like, Oh, yes, you are good friends. Yeah. And I mean, they're all good friends. All my good friends are good friends. But, you know, I, there was a couple of times like after my mom died, it was really hard, but I, I, I allowed my, I allowed myself to want it, like want a glass of wine and then remind myself how far I've come and like what the repercussions could be. But not everyone has, like everyone's. Mental health is at various stages and if someone lives with like, you know, addicted, lives with addiction, it's very hard to stop and I am witnessing that. I witness it all the time and people like reach out to me, Blair, I like, I want to stop drinking and they're navigating loss, like end of relationships, ends of lives and you know, they might 20 days, 30 days, 40 days, 2 months, 5 months. And then relapse, that's still making progress. Knowing you need to make a change and that you're trying. I know people who've, you know, in our book we have a man and our book called his name is Hamza. And he, I think he said he tried like 300 times and like it stuck. Sometimes part of sobriety is slipping back into use. I'm not a sobriety expert or coach. I'm just someone who is sober, but I know that not having alcohol or heavy substances, even cannabis, I don't think I touched it. I didn't, I didn't touch it because I just wanted to feel better.

CJ: 35:01

So yeah, we, my family has had a lot of addiction. It's, it's been in my life since I was born. So it is, I think grief and addiction or sorry, addiction and grief feels like a whole new beast to, to just the, uh, addiction. And and I've seen as, as I was widowed. Trying to find a community to heal in with people who knew what I was experiencing. There is a huge component of use as a means of numbing. So much so that I, I, I was like, this is, this, this can't be, this can't be the answer. But it is in every single community that I have found. It is the main thing that is talked about and used.

Ashley: 36:04

Like people use people are like drink

CJ: 36:07

alcohol and drugs. Yeah I mean, it's

Blair: 36:09

easier to numb than to feel like healing super messy like it's messy and people don't want to deal with it But it's just so worth it like get through that mess,

Ashley: 36:18

right? Yeah,

Blair: 36:19

but but it's easier when it's easier and I mean, I know this but like it's easier to numb but in the end Like, what kind of life is that? You're not fully living, and don't you owe it to those that have departed to live your life to its fullest potential?

CJ: 36:37

Yeah. It's just, it's just so scary how, how common it is, and uh, and it made, it made me feel that much more isolated, because I was like, I, I don't want to partake in that, it's, it's not for me and no judgment on if they want to, but like, it wasn't for me, so I was like, where do I find a community of people that can relate to me because I feel so alone already. Who, who want to like dig into this, but yeah, so addiction, yeah, and, and, and seeing so many family members struggle with addiction kind of wanted me to steer clear as well. But to kind of like take a fork in the road here, resilience comes up a lot, right? It's a word that people use, overuse overload the term. I used to be very angry about it. I used to hate when people would tell me that I was resilient. I would have a visceral reaction to it in my body. And it took, uh, the therapist that I was seeing at the time to kind of redefine it for me. Because for me, I was like, I'm not fucking resilient. I just have to wake up and just keep going. Like, I don't have a choice. I didn't choose for my wife to die. I didn't choose for my dad to die. I didn't choose for my son to get a tumor. Like, I don't have a choice. This just happened and I have to go, like, there's only two choices, either I don't or I do. So it was, it always felt like it demeaned my situation until my therapist was like, well, resilience isn't some big, huge thing. It's just showing up in whatever capacity that you can. That's it. And that helped me to soften to it. But it is something that I have still been thinking about a lot. And I know you, you kind of defined it for us in the beginning. But I would really like to kind of pick your brain on what has it meant in your life. When you hear the word resilient, like, when you feel that in your body, if you say, I am resilient, like, really, what does that mean? What, what did it look like in your life to be resilient?

Blair: 38:41

Yeah, first of all, I want to thank you for saying that because that's actually a common feeling.

CJ: 38:46

Hmm.

Blair: 38:47

When someone's like, you are so strong. You are so resilient. Well, what is the option? I'm literally just putting one foot in front of the other heel toe heel toe like I am getting through this minute to get through the next minute and You know people would would say it with pity. Mm

CJ: 39:11

hmm. Yeah,

Blair: 39:13

and I I decided to just reclaim it with power. The dictionary is, you know, bouncing back. Resilience is bouncing back. And I'm like, no, resilience is bouncing forward. Like, we're not going back, we're going forward. And I believe, like, we all have a resilience muscle. We're all born to be resilient. We are resilient. Mm. And this muscle's invisible and it goes from the top of our head to the tips of our toes and it runs through every fiber of our being. And that resilience is almost like an instinctual, like natural reaction, like breathing, like we naturally breathe, sometimes we hold our breath, but this muscle, there are things that we can do to make it stronger, like our other muscles. And so when life is challenging, we have more tools and strength to move through that challenge. And so I think looking at resilience like a muscle and that like taking back its power where it's not, Oh, you're so resilient, or I feel so bad for you, so strong. I think taking back that power has, has been very healing to me and it's, you know, it's kind of funny. Like, I acknowledge I was raised in a fairly, like, I'm privileged. Like, I went to Hebrew school and summer camp and I had lessons and I was surrounded by a lot of community members and family that loved me. Like, I understand my privilege and but I still struggled because of my father living with addiction, abandonment issues, mental health struggles, other stuff that happened. And my sister and I kind of joke like we were the charity cases, you know, like we got the hand me down clothes and like our friends parents would like, you know, have us over for playdates and like to play with the kids, but give my mom a break and, but we didn't know this as kids, but we kind of joke that now because both our parents are gone and we're orphans and we're both in our thirties. We're still the charity cases and we're just kind of like, cause people now look at like, I can, people, like, people are getting used to it now, but in the beginning, people, when they talk to us, like I saw the pity in their eyes

CJ: 41:25

and

Blair: 41:29

it's just like, yeah, I do want you to feel sorry for me cause it sucks, but also like, I don't,

Ashley: 41:36

don't,

Blair: 41:37

I don't, you know, like I want to be comforted. I want to be, you know, I want empathy. Empathy is great because it's, grief is very isolating.

CJ: 41:48

Yeah.

Blair: 41:48

But a lot of people, most people hadn't gone through the level of grief that I have. And it almost felt like I was on this other dimension. Like, you know, it's like I was just walking around in my skin suit existing. But like my consciousness was on a different level because I'm like, what is the meaning?

CJ: 42:06

Hmm. Yeah.

Blair: 42:07

Cause when I redefined resilience, like I started the project with knowing my dad was gonna die and then everything else happened. And that's when I redefined it as bouncing forward after my mom died. And I think that's when I kind of took back the power.

CJ: 42:23

What changes did you notice in your life once you, once you did that?

Blair: 42:26

Well, it was a big part of my healing. And I think it was also taking back the power of, like, my grief, I realized that, like, my grief and grieving out loud was making people uncomfortable.

CJ: 42:37

Mm hmm.

Blair: 42:38

And it was, like, a reflection to people on maybe pain that they hadn't dealt with.

CJ: 42:42

Yep, yep.

Blair: 42:44

And I also got a lot of really positive feedback about, you know, even today you know, I shared a very vulnerable post and I was getting a lot of beautiful messages about my experience as a, you know, As a bereaved mother, having, you know, with my miscarriage. But my healing out loud has provided, I guess, a voice to other people. And sometimes the response I, I get, I, I used to be offended by people who would critique my feelings. But what I started to realize as I healed was that it's their unhealed stuff. And I am a mirror for them.

CJ: 43:23

Yeah, I think that needs to be repeated because, yeah, I had that experience. So, it's these critiques, these you should do this, you shouldn't be doing that. All this stuff that people pile on to those that are grieving is a mirror, we are a mirror to them, and it is their unhealed parts, right? Is that everything you just said?

Blair: 43:47

Exactly. And also, knowing that I've been here and I am that mirror, but let me also be that light, because your darkness is coming. Because some people haven't actually dealt with the darkness. Grief, the same level as us, even a fraction of it. And guess what? We're not immune. It's like the great equalizer, just like the pandemic was like, we all had to stay home. It didn't matter what your socioeconomic background was. And that's grief. Doesn't matter how rich you are, where you're located in the world, like what you're going through, how loved you are. We're all going to experience. grief. Are we prepared?

CJ: 44:23

That's right. You know, it's every single human will go through it, and we experience varying levels of it in different ways. Death, loss, anticipatory, loss of job, loss of, loss of pet, loss of relationship, loss of, there's so many losses. So many. And we experience it It's the loss of that comfort of our mother's womb.

Blair: 44:46

Right. That's, that's beautiful and also sad. But like also like, I think, yeah, so I might be a mirror to some, but I'm a lighthouse to many and that works for me in the sense of it helps me heal to be the light and to use my lessons to help guide others through their storms. Yeah. But you know, if you're listening to this and you're triggered, like. Reach out, let's have a conversation because, you know, why live a life, the short ones that we have, that's because it goes by fast, like why live it with pain and anger and sadness if we could mitigate that, if there are things we can do to like alleviate some of that. You can be happy and sad. You can be happy and grieve. You can be calm and still have moments of anxiety. Like you can have the good with the bad

CJ: 45:39

and

Blair: 45:39

eventually the good starts to away the bad.

CJ: 45:41

And I think, I mean, the, the quote unquote bad helps us understand the good. Right? The light and the darkness and, and something that I've said a million times, but the greater our capacity to hold the grief and to, to heal in it. Right? So to me, healing my, my healing journey specifically for me has been to grow the capacity to, to hold my grief because it's never going away. So the more I can hold it, the more I can have space to redefine my relationship to it. But that's in equal parts. To how much joy and abundance and love that I can experience in life, right? So to me, I'm like, redefining this as this grief is my gift because as I heal, as I move forward, as I spring forward or bounce forward, sorry, both, yeah, or both then I'm going to feel abundance and love and joy and in much greater capacities than I ever have been able to. So that's such a motivator, but when we numb, when we, when we fight against it. We are limiting our capacity to feel that joy again and, and feel it potentially more than what we had before that event happened of our loss.

Blair: 47:00

Yeah. Exactly. And I just like, like, when the grief is feeling very heavy, I like to remind myself, like, I grieve hard because I love hard.

CJ: 47:09

So you started the books, you started this community, you've been doing so much in the space of, of grief. What has the impact of all of this work been on you personally?

Blair: 47:30

It's been a source of healing for me. Uh, I've naturally, I've always been a helper. Mm. I've always been someone who wants to help. And knowing that something I may post on Facebook or someone hears on, you know, an interview or something they read, maybe it's not even my, something I wrote, but something they read in a book I put out from someone else's story, you know, if it helps them. That helps my heart heal. That, that, that helps, that, you know, brings me closer to that, that like, that, euphoric happiness in my Care Bear stare. If I can take away someone else's pain, or a, you know, a smidge of it, or help Put a piece of that happiness, you know, into their life to me, that's very fulfilling. And I just, yeah, I just want my, my, my place in this world, in this lifetime to be of service. And this currently is the way I am doing it. You know, leaving that legacy behind.

CJ: 48:30

I definitely understand that. I have that experience on a much smaller scale. I haven't hit 888 million people, but

Blair: 48:39

Three. They're your children. Yeah.

CJ: 48:41

There you go. I, I want to know. Because, doing work in this space, there is risk that we stay stuck in our grief, right? Or we, or rather, let me reframe it. Doing this work, there's a risk that we stay stuck in the river of grief, and we're just swimming in it. Uh huh. And we're not moving to shore. So, two questions that I have. One is, how do you keep yourself and your boundaries with your grief and others grief and the work to keep you on the shore and out of the waters of grief? But also, what is the thing that keeps you on shore? So, like, to answer my own question, for me, it's It's the gratitude in the present moment is what I have to focus on to keep me on the shore because I always want to go counter to that.

Blair: 49:44

Yeah, and that's really beautiful. So I think for me, especially being a grief coach and being someone who holds lots of space for others, Really knowing, I guess, my triggers.

CJ: 49:59

Mm.

Blair: 50:00

Knowing the things, and then if I do feel that trigger, like, to be able to work on it. You know, I'm doing a grief and loss course right now with Dr. Claire Bidwell Smith, and I got a few of her books, and they're very insightful, and they have a lot of like, I'm doing some work with her. I'm working through some of the exercises that I do with my clients.

CJ: 50:23

Mm-hmm

Blair: 50:23

And I actually find it really profound. And I think if you would've asked me a year ago, I could be doing this work, but I'm at a place, yeah, I'm at a place right now where I'm healed in a way that I can bring a lot more lightness to others. But with that being said, as you know, something that doesn't, you know, make me feel profound grief, one day might. You don't know. Grief is tricky.

CJ: 50:54

Yeah.

Blair: 50:55

And so, as long as I keep using the tools I have, and maybe adding more tools, and continuously work on navigating my feelings. I believe that I could hold space and help others through their grief with integrity. Now, what keeps me on shore? I mean, I think it's my, my, I'm very big into self care. I'm very big into managing my nervous system. I used to call it regulating, but someone I know, uh, Told me she likes to, you know, making sure your nervous system is flexible and that you have that capacity. And it's funny that you said gratitude. Like I, part of one of my tools, like I only talked about the morning, but the end of the day, I have a gratitude alarm. So I think this is a really big important piece of everything I do. But every day at nine o'clock, my gratitude alarm goes off. And I list three things that I'm grateful for from the past 24 hours, in as much detail as possible.

Ashley: 51:59

I try to do that too.

Blair: 52:00

Right. Yeah, and so I have an alarm that goes off. It's been doing that since 2016. And the science behind it is if you do that, so you list three things you're grateful for in as much detail as possible at the exact same time every day, and you do it for at least 21 days, the neural pathways in your brain start to rewire so that you see the world in a more positive way. I did it every night Shane was in the hospital with Shane and his mom and dad. The day my mom went to sleep her final time, we all did gratitude. Her last gratitude was, I'm grateful for you, you, and you. And me and my sister were like, who's the third you? And she said, me. Those were some

CJ: 52:42

of her last

Blair: 52:43

words. That's awesome. It was just so beautiful and like poetic and silly. Just like her and you know, I think it's like a non negotiable like I my mom literally did it on her deathbed

CJ: 52:51

Like yeah,

Blair: 52:53

like you have no there's something to be grateful for there's three things to be grateful for and you know It might be if you're having a hard day, like I'm so grateful that my day is over. I am very grateful for my soft Tempur pedic foamy mattress I'm grateful for Advil and the ability to swallow two pills at once. Like, you know, there's always something to be grateful for. And there's something to be grateful for.

Ashley: 53:21

Yeah. Sometimes I can swallow two NyQuil pills at once. Oh my god, NyQuil and NyQuil. They're too big.

Blair: 53:28

They're too big. Honestly, like, I take so many, like, medications, like supplements and medication, it's like, I've mastered it. But anyways, I, I digress. So gratitude is really important and I think really knowing that I'm able to separate my grief from someone else's grief and that's taken time and I can't tell you it's always going to work. I'm a human and I have empathy and I have compassion. As the more work that I do in the space, the easier it is for me to hold space for others and to separate my own emotions from it. And knowing that I have these experiences to help others.

Ashley: 54:12

Do

Blair: 54:12

you

Ashley: 54:12

ever, like, step away or, like, kind of feel yourself getting to a point where, you know, maybe you need to take a break?

Blair: 54:19

I haven't yet. I haven't had that experience. I think something that, and I don't, uh, how do I say it, like, I feel like the worst experience of my life. Was my mom dying?

Ashley: 54:35

Yeah, same.

Blair: 54:37

She was told, Sharon, you have cancer. You're going to be fine. We'll do a biopsy. We'll get you treatment. We can't treat you till you get a biopsy. She went into the hospital in pain and they said, you're covered in tumors. You have two weeks left to live. And she died three days later. So like, it was just so many layers of sad and traumatic that when I start to feel big feelings. about anything. I remind myself I've already been through the worst thing I'm ever going to go through. And that, you know, it's also like not about me. If I'm with working with someone and holding space, it's about them.

CJ: 55:15

Yeah. Yeah.

Blair: 55:16

And that has come with my healing.

CJ: 55:19

Yeah. A hundred percent. Uh, I feel like we could go all night, but very appreciative of you coming on, sharing so much with us and sharing your journey being open about the things you've done, how you've kind of. I've been navigating this long, arduous journey that you've been on, and yeah, just grateful that there are people out there who are willing to share, like we've said a hundred times, stories, I believe, are the most powerful things that we have, and stories help us be Build empathy and change. So very grateful for you to have your story with us. Thank you so much for coming on.

Blair: 55:58

Thanks for having me. This was a slice.

CJ: 56:05

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Day After. You can find this podcast and more at our website at www. thedayafter. com. If you enjoyed this episode, we'd really appreciate if you could take a moment to leave us a review wherever you listen to your podcasts.